death

I've slept badly for the last couple of weeks, my nights being tormented by dreams of death and sorrow, leaving me exhausted in the mornings. Ever since I was 10 years old I have had issues with the concept of death, or at least the one concerning human death. I cannot talk about it, imagine it, or being reminded of it in any kind of way, without feeling the panic creeping in. The knowledge that we don't have any knowledge of what happens in the afterlife, is so hard to fathom, so impossible to grap, that my head starts to spin and I can barely breathe at the sheer thought.

Surprisingly, I don't have any problems with the death of animals. I cannot even watch human autopsies on television, yet it doesn't bother me to dissect a deceased pet. I flinch when I see any sort of human trauma, and I shudder at the mere thought of end-stage diseases of humans, yet the very same conditions in animals only bring out the scientist in me, making treatment plans and diagnostical approaches. Perhaps the idea of death and disease in humans is just too close to home, too close to a not-too-distant future for my own comfort.

In two days I am going to Varanasi, the city where hindus go to die, the city of death. And I have just discovered that my hotel is next to the burning ghat, where most cremations take place. I really don't know if I'll be able to handle all of this.